As parents, we all face the unique challenges of raising preteens and teenagers. The pressures of parenting at this stage can be overwhelming, but it's important to remember that understanding your child better can help navigate these turbulent years. Here BACP counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin, founder of The Grace Project looks at how to strengthen the parent-child relationship through the ups and downs of adolescence.
We need to talk about...talking. You know how it goes, eye roll, side pose, a hand gesture accompanied by “whatever,” just another day in a parent’s life with a preteen/teenager. Let’s start by exploring the minefield that having a conversation may feel to many parents.
First, take the pressure off – these years are developmentally timed for children to push and pull and stomp and slam, test, and retest. And for parents to know how to deal with this. Not. We feel powerless and completely at a loss about this emerging personality that bears little or no resemblance to the cute three-year-old whose photo sits on the shelf reminding us of the time when it was more “Awww” and less “Argghhh!!!”.
Secondly, communication is key and encompasses so much more than talking which is one way to engage with your child. Let’s discuss children eleven and older who can follow guidelines about give and take in a conversation. That’s if you can. Maybe try these hacks – they’re by no means exhaustive or guaranteed to be effective but, if my own experience is anything to go by, worth a try.
Enhance communication - conversation hacks with children:
Avoid saying “we need to talk.” Sounds like a set up.
Notice cues. Let the talking happen organically (except where it is unsafe to do so). Often your child/teenager will invite a discussion - “We were talking about vapes at school today.” One response might be “Don’t you dare!” Another might be “just need to take this call, we’ll speak later, promise.” Whilst I appreciate that we can’t always be free to talk, not picking up this cue might result in your child simply not bothering to come to you.
Be active and curious. Taking the dog out for a walk, going to a match or gaming together are effective facilitators for teenage conversations. Stuff comes up – it just does. You don’t need to plan or steer the conversation, let it happen. Ask to know more. You’ll be surprised at what you learn.
Listen. You don’t always need to talk. Simply listen and try not to interrupt. Teaching your child the art of conversation is so important. Even if you are screaming inside, please keep it in and let them say what they need to. If you are left confused, anxious, worried, surprised, you may want to say – “Thanks for the chat, I need time to think about what you’ve said.” No judgement, no shock, no visible angst or attempt to fix or solve. Try and let your child feel safe in that moment having said something difficult for you to hear. You can panic later.
Regulate your own emotions. This may be difficult after a stressful day at work, a final warning bill, an incendiary message from your ex or if you were never taught how to have difficult conversations and you want to completely lose it. Nope, stop that. If you can stay calm in front of your boss, the school, the GP, and anyone else you have in your life, don’t let your children have the crumbs.
Have a script. If you get anxious, acknowledge it, take a deep breath, strap in and understand that whilst it is an understandable reaction, hearing your child out is more important:
“Tell me more”
“Do you need me to listen or make suggestions?”
“What has made you think that?”
“Help me to understand”
“Is there anything else you need to tell me?”
“We can agree to disagree.”
“I need a break.”
You don’t have all the answers. Parents never did. The best they could do was their best. That grown-ups had all the answers was always untrue and was the result of generations of parenting that perpetuated the myth placing inordinate pressure on the next generation. If we understood that we don’t have the answers, are learning on the job, and that there is no perfect parent we can let go of the associated anxiety and lessen control. By leaning into this, everyone has the potential to feel less stressed.
Apologise. I’m not sure it’s the times we are in but saying “sorry” seems to be unpopular. Doubling down is, in my opinion, immature, not a power move. When you do apologise, be specific – “I’m really sorry I was late, I can only imagine how worried you were. I’m sorry.”
Apologies have three parts - saying sorry, making amends where possible and not repeating the behaviour. If the behaviour continues, then apologies lose meaning. Weak apologies sound like – “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is not a meaningful apology. Take responsibility, own your part and do better.
Consider how you were parented. How you were raised is likely to affect your own parenting style. If it was extreme in strictness or liberalism, try and find a balance. Extremes are not encouraged, with hard yes and no answers, best avoided. Talk out options and try to find compromise. If you had no safe sounding board as a child, learn to be one. The guideline for this is child safety first. This is clear with definite parameters and non-negotiable - children's safety is the paramount consideration. Children are curious and fearless. We need to avoid culling their inquisitiveness and instilling fear. We need to find balance.
Be honest. Please avoid promising your children a holiday if this is not possible for you. Struggle is not as much of an issue as some parents think. How else do we raise adults if we are not honest about what is realistic for us? If the money is just not there, explain that, let the child feel the feels and manage your own sense (of guilt/disappointment/anger…?) and stay real. Give your children credit for understanding and cultivate resilience. Also, be honest about your concerns about their friends, lifestyle choices, or influences that you believe to be harmful. Rather than being judgemental and inflammatory, try “I understand that you want to go to this party and I cannot stand in your way, but I am concerned about some of the people who are going. Can we agree on ground rules?”. If this is not met with enthusiasm, say nothing. Try to reassure your child that their safety is the most important thing to you and that you don’t care about being liked - their wellbeing is more important than your popularity.
Hold boundaries and follow through on consequences. It’s ok to tell your child that whilst you love them, you do not like their behaviour, attitude, influences and pretty much everything at various points; stand your ground and push back. This is holding a boundary for them and serves as a reminder that they are loved. Your role is to keep them safe and if this means disagreeing with their choices, then say so. Disagreeing maintains your integrity, but you may have to work on your own limits. We do not own our children. They must make their own way in the world, be defiant and make mistakes and experience consequences and dust themselves down and pick themselves up. You don’t need to agree with their choices, but you do need to understand they have them. It’s not your decision to make.
Lying. Children lie. Adults lie. Everyone lies. We cannot tell our children to be honest when we’ve fed them a diet of a ruddy cheeked man delivering presents down a chimney and tooth fairies, Come on, now. I’m talking about children holding back the truth for fear of judgement and punishment. They may not want to disappoint you or cause you worry, so stick to dealing with what they disclose and foster the conditions for difficult discussions without them having to fear escalation to DEFCON 2. That said, if the lying is problematic, possibly linked to early addiction or mental health, speak to their school, GP and other social services that can offer you support.
Margaret comments: ”With the abundance of anxiety and worry and responsibility that comes with parenthood there feels like a disproportionate and unfair deficit in patience. It may feel like a drought during the most challenging years as if someone decided that, when we need patience most, supply is cut off. We are rarely told how much being a parent hurts. It does. It feels almost conspiratorial. Of course there is joy, celebration, and laughter, but we hurt for our children and we hurt for ourselves. Rejection, disappointment, struggle, betrayal, and loss add up to a whole lot of hurt. If we talked about it more openly, we would be better prepared and feel less defeated in our parenting”.
In those moments when you feel you are about to blow a gasket, breathe, think of the match on the weekend, the glass of wine (no judgement) at the end of the day, the holiday, or the box set. Go to a faraway place in your mind rather than say to your 15-year-old what you want to. It may land very, very badly and hurt everyone in the end. Patience – it can be learned.
Other factors to consider:
Biology: So much parenting angst could be saved by understanding the biology of the teenage brain. For example, when we say, “Why can’t you understand?!” – it’s because, well, they can’t. The brain has not developed sufficiently and no amount of shouting and repetition on a parent’s part can change that. Children are biologically programmed to be wind-up machines for what feels like a million years but is, in reality, marginally less. This is not personal. It is a developmental imperative that helps them to prepare for adulthood. They need to test and prod and poke and scratch, hiss, and test again and push you to the limits to see if you will still love them after all. They need to know that they are lovable. This love will be their safe place from which they go out into the world, sure that there is a base to return to if life gets tough.
Hormonal changes further complicate, confuse and amplify whatever your child is going through. The body may become a battle ground and both male and female hormones act in a way that destabilises and often frightens our children. Be kind in these moments and remember, it will pass.
Influences: As your child separates from you and moves into teenage years, there are many demands for their attention. Peers may influence their behaviour, as will their online activity. They may experiment in relationships, with substances, appearance, and lifestyle. Heartbreak and rejection and first loves may impact their mood. Experiences they are not yet emotionally capable of processing. This is where a parent can hone their craft. Reading the cues and acting in such a way that supports without controlling, shares the pain without judgement, and validates will result in your child feeling supported as they slowly and self-consciously emerge from their chrysalis.
Context: Children grow up in different environments; there are religious, cultural, and social structures. There are several variations on what a family unit might look like. If there is difficulty with another parent it is additionally stressful all you can do is avoid the rage bait, manipulation and being undermined and if your child reports an untruth from the other parent or household, firmly address it. “That is not what happened” and then move on. It is not considered safe parenting to weaponize and alienate children and is certainly not in the child’s best interests. Protect your time with them and make it as pleasant as possible.
Exception: You can be a sounding board. Never a punch bag. If there is ever any physical threat from your child, please get support and help. It is not ok. If this is your experience, you may need to speak to your child’s school, and they will be able to signpost you or engage support services. You have a right to feel safe in your own home and you may have to protect other children.
Margaret states: “Look after yourself and remember to laugh. Take the responsibility of parenting seriously but accept that it is messy, unpredictable, exhausting, expensive and frustrating, with pockets of comic relief, if you are fortunate. You will get it “wrong” so much of the time – it’s not an exact science getting children to the independent stage, so settle for feeling out of control, learning to respond rather than react and appreciate the small wins. Above all, remember that the tough times pass and that your children will grow and fly and, if you’re lucky, come back for the holidays”.
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